I’ll take what I can get.

“There are places i’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain.”- The Beatles

 

2004-Dont say a word, I have to say what Im going to say because if I dont I think I might literally go insane. Every bone in my body is telling me not to tell you this, I know that by doing so I am jepordizing our friendship. In fact in my mind I am almost positive that by the time I am done saying what I need to say to you we wont be able to look at each other the same,I am at a point however where that is a risk I am willing to take. I dont think you feel the same way and its because of that I am prepared to feel embarassment and rejection, two of my least favorite emotions. Maybe I will feel like an idiot for not just taking what you have already given me and instead giving you access to my inner most thoughts. Thoughts which at times seem too raw and dominant for even my own mind to handle, how can I excpect yours to react with anything but pity? Let me start at the beginning, I just cant stop thinking about you, its crazy I know but everything about you has captivated me. I feel like a caged animal just spending me days waiting for that smile or a look you can give that in so many ways is the closest I’ll ever be to being set free.  What started out as intrigue and admiration grew into friendship and  has now blossomed into something I never saw coming. It doesnt take much to tell you dont feel the same, I think you enjoy our time together but I dont think you miss me when Im gone. For me it is just the opposite, I can spend hours with you and then like a junkie craving a fix as soon as I leave I want more. It just never seems to be enough, enough time, enough conversation, enough of you.  You asked me once in a round about way about intentions, I swear I never had any idea this would happen, subconsciusly maybe but it never crept into the fore front and I literally had no idea how deep in I was until it was too late to crawl out. No, please dont turn around I have to get this out just listen, a month ago I was sitting in a mansion on the beach and every song reminded me of you. Every song, it was so unreal and every day at 5:00 my heart would start freaking out because I knew that maybe you would call. I would walk up and down the beach numerous times waiting for your call and when it came I smiled for the entirity of the call. When we were done speaking I was so thankful for the time we did talk but like I said it just never felt like enough. I know that you think that this is just me transferring my feelingsto you because of proxemity, I know you think I am young and restless and that I have turned to you because you seem like a safe bet. The thing is my reasoning is exactly the opposite, you are not safe and I am not much of a gambler. What I can tell for a fact is that you are near me I feel like a burst of oxygen is immediatelty infused into my lungs. I feel a torrent of passion like it is taking all the strength I have to restrain the animal inside of me that wants to hold you down and kiss you. Dont you see it in me at all? It just seems so implausible that I would feel so strongly about you and you feel nothing in return. Please stop staring at me like that, I know this makes me sound nuts but the truth is I cant get you off of my mind. Maybe its just lust, maybe it will pass, in fact I would almost bet that if the fruit I wanted to taste so badly was bitten into the tempation would subside a least a bit. Why dont we just call this game a tie and meet in the middle? No, dont do that please dont dismiss what I am saying, I am not confused and I am absolutely not tricking myself into thinking I feel this way. Truth be told I have felt this way to some degree since I first saw you, you are captivating. I also know that you are going to say that you are afraid of ruining our friendship but to quote something someone once said “friends can make the best lovers.” Ok, I get that they only make awesome lovers until shit falls apart and you lose them, but have you ever stopped to think that maybe I could be the one that worked out? Maybe I could be the exeption. I get that right now you just want to have fun, I understand that the idea of getting into another relationship seems impossible. so lets go with that, I am fine with just having fun but I can not  go another day without telling you that I cant stop dwelling on tasting your lips. so Ill take what I can get, unless its nothing at which point Im not sure what Ill do. Its not that I have a big ego, its just how can you not want me even just a little bit? Arent you curious? Dont you wonder what it would be like to wake up the next morning  tangled together after a night that we never thought would end?  I have been enamored and  infatuated before but this is different, I feel like you sent out a signal and I heard it. I just dont think that I am the one you wanted to answer maybe you wanted a blonde, someone taller, definitely older and wealthier.